On Blogging

I have been blogging about various things over my first few posts.  I don't really know what I want this to become.  I started it when Rachel Held Evans passed away, and I felt like I needed to find a voice for myself, since I no longer had her voice to just say "ditto" to.  However, I also feel like my blog to this point has been fairly guarded, throwing out random theological ideas without really giving a basis for where I'm coming from.

Depression is a major part of this.  I struggle with chronic depression.  I have for most of my life.  The negativity and sadness that results from this tends to push people away.  Who wants to hang out with someone who is always a downer?  Because of that, in an effort to prevent rejection, I put on a happy face, or at least one that makes it seem like I have it together.  That's part of how I became "Generic Guy #2".

I enjoy posting online or talking via email because I can curate what I say so carefully.  I can analyze it over and over to make sure that what I'm trying to say is communicated the way I want it to, and to try to minimize offense or revealing too much of myself.  I can present myself in a positive, measured, and thoughtful manner.  I can filter out my emotions.  That tendency is what makes this blog seem so sterile, which is not really what I'm going for.

In an ideal world, I'd have people on the blog commenting and reading and I'd get an idea of the kind of content that people wanted to read.  In an ideal world, my theological posts generate discussion and debate, which is something I desperately crave.  In an ideal world,  I could actually approach the blog in a full "this is me" manner rather than "this is the way I wish to present myself".  I'm going to try to make this a thing, as much as it depends on me.

Part of these first posts, though, are me just trying to find my voice and throw my thoughts out into cyberspace.  I don't know what to focus on, and so I just pick whatever topics come to mind.  Hopefully, I'll be willing to be more open in future posts.  But for now, I'm just trying to figure out what I want to write about and why.  Hopefully someday, people will visit and we can converse.

So that's the answer to what I'm blogging about and why.  I don't know, and I don't know.  I'm just going to keep trucking on until I figure it out, or I fizzle out.  We'll just have to wait and see where this goes.